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Giantess Rescues Oil Rig

(AP) Santa Barbara, Ca

An enviromental catastrophe was narrowly averted yesterday in the Santa Barbara Channel when a Californian giantess prevented a massive offshore oil rig from capsizing.

Coast Guard officials reported that three tug boats were beginning to move the 1.2 million ton Ocean Explorer with 98 men on board, when it lost control of its ballast pumps and began taking on water. The huge vessel began listing to one side, making it difficult to launch lifeboats. Two of the tug boats managed to disconnect their tow lines, but the third boat was unable to disconnect and was in danger of being dragged underwater by the giant rig.

If the rig had gone down near the production platform, oil pipelines could have been severed, releasing thousands of barrels of oil into the ocean. Fortunately, giantess Heidi Montag was nearby, helping move another offshore rig onto its drilling site. A Coast Guard helicopter was able to alert her and she quickly made her way to the scene.

Spotting the tug boat in distress, she quickly reached down and easily ripped the steel cable free, releasing the boat. She then grabbed on to the capsizing rig, and held it upright, allowing Coast Guard vessels to approach and rescue the crew. After all the crew had been rescued, Montag gently towed the immense rig to shallower water, trailed by a small fleet of Coast Guard and pleasure boats. Upon reaching shallow water, Montag steadied the rig, allowing it to settle on bottom so that salvage crews could repair it.

Coast Guard spokesman, Captain Michael Dalton praised the giantess for her heroic actions saying, "Miss Montag's quick thinking not only saved countless of lives onboard the rig, but also saved the crew of the tug boat. If she hadn't been in the area, there might have been a huge loss of life as well as a possibly disastrous oil spill." Oil company officials also expressed gratitude for Miss Montag's actions. Oriental Petroleum Corporation issued a statement stating, "We are extremely grateful for Miss Montag's heroic actions. Not only did she avert an ecological disaster, but she also saved the lives of our employees". Company spokesman placed the value of the vessel at three hundred million dollars.

Miss Montag was humble in describing the situation. "I'm just glad I was nearby so that I could help out. I don't feel like a hero. I'm just doing what anyone else would do in my situation. I'm very happy the crew is safe and that no one was hurt".

Investigators planned to board the rig to try to find out what caused the ballast pumps to fail. Company officials expected the investigation and repairs to last several weeks. Asked if there would be any difficulty freeing the grounded vessel from its current location and towing it back to deeper waters, company officials were hopeful that Miss Montag would lend her considerable strength to the operation.